Life
I got a feeling
17/03/10 14:52
The date is September 10, 2009, and it’s the kickoff party for Oprah’s 24th season. The show is outside, on Chicago’s Michigan Avenue, and there are over 20,000 fans in the street. The Black Eyed Peas take to the stage and begin to sing “I gotta feeling”. There is a lone woman dancing in the front, at the beginning of the song. Gradually the people next to her join in, then the people next to them. Eventually all 20,000 people are dancing - together, as one. The choreographer, the not-so-alone woman who started the dance, has successfully created a “Flash Mob”, an interactional experiment between a band - The Black Eyed Peas - and a crowd of 20,000. This was a surprise for Oprah. Nobody told her what was going to happen.
My daughter introduced me to this event by showing me the video on YouTube last night. Go here to watch it, and then come back. See if it doesn’t make you cry.
Now I call it an “interactional experiment” but you see this all the time at rock concerts. I have been going to rock concerts since my (other)daughter was 13. I have written about this elsewhere, and another day we will revisit the trauma of losing your child for 12 hours in a swarm of 12,000 people... Where was I? Oh yes: audiences interact with rock bands all the time. The band plays, the audience moshes (is that a verb?). Interactions between performers and audiences - as between therapists and their clients - happen all the time. We just naturally connect, and give and take.
This event on Oprah is an audience-band interaction writ large, as if the whole audience were an organism. You can read more about it here.
That the whole thing was carefully choreographed isn’t the point. Rather, this is a glimpse into our potential. This is the potential for society to act together as an organism for good, as an antidote to the ways in which people sometimes act together for bad. What a wonderful thing to do on the 10th of September, 8 years less a day after 9/11. Bad things cannot be erased, but good can come from them, and anniversaries can take on new meanings.
When a large collection of people come together and do something well - in theatre, in orchestra, in dance, in a flash mob - even in a baseball game (see below) - a deep emotion is evoked in me. Maybe it happens in you too.
A psychiatrist went to a baseball game. Philadelphia Phillies vs. Atlanta Braves, 1993 National League playoffs, first game. Phillies pitcher Curt Schilling strikes out the first Braves batter. “Just twenty-six more, Curt!” yells the psychiatrist, to the embarrassment of his son.
Schilling strikes out the next batter. “Just twenty-five more, Curt!” he yells, only now the other fans are beginning to come together.
When Schilling struck out the third batter, an amazing thing happened. Sixty-three thousand Phillies fans became as one, “[and] I was the very sound of one hand clapping,” writes the psychiatrist.
What does it mean? What could it mean? What could this century, this millennium, stand for in human thought and activity?
Perhaps we could all take turns playing in the band, performing what we do best to those who need it most. Perhaps we could all in turn be in the audience, taking the best that others can give and reflecting it back to them. What could happen?
We meet awkwardly.
I invite you to walk.
I find you dancing1.
This could be the millennium for dancing.
_________________________________
1 Maria Harris (1987), Teaching & Religious Imagination: An Essay in the Theology of Teaching (San Francisco: Harper & Row), p. 23
My daughter introduced me to this event by showing me the video on YouTube last night. Go here to watch it, and then come back. See if it doesn’t make you cry.
Now I call it an “interactional experiment” but you see this all the time at rock concerts. I have been going to rock concerts since my (other)daughter was 13. I have written about this elsewhere, and another day we will revisit the trauma of losing your child for 12 hours in a swarm of 12,000 people... Where was I? Oh yes: audiences interact with rock bands all the time. The band plays, the audience moshes (is that a verb?). Interactions between performers and audiences - as between therapists and their clients - happen all the time. We just naturally connect, and give and take.
This event on Oprah is an audience-band interaction writ large, as if the whole audience were an organism. You can read more about it here.
That the whole thing was carefully choreographed isn’t the point. Rather, this is a glimpse into our potential. This is the potential for society to act together as an organism for good, as an antidote to the ways in which people sometimes act together for bad. What a wonderful thing to do on the 10th of September, 8 years less a day after 9/11. Bad things cannot be erased, but good can come from them, and anniversaries can take on new meanings.
When a large collection of people come together and do something well - in theatre, in orchestra, in dance, in a flash mob - even in a baseball game (see below) - a deep emotion is evoked in me. Maybe it happens in you too.
A psychiatrist went to a baseball game. Philadelphia Phillies vs. Atlanta Braves, 1993 National League playoffs, first game. Phillies pitcher Curt Schilling strikes out the first Braves batter. “Just twenty-six more, Curt!” yells the psychiatrist, to the embarrassment of his son.
Schilling strikes out the next batter. “Just twenty-five more, Curt!” he yells, only now the other fans are beginning to come together.
When Schilling struck out the third batter, an amazing thing happened. Sixty-three thousand Phillies fans became as one, “[and] I was the very sound of one hand clapping,” writes the psychiatrist.
What does it mean? What could it mean? What could this century, this millennium, stand for in human thought and activity?
Perhaps we could all take turns playing in the band, performing what we do best to those who need it most. Perhaps we could all in turn be in the audience, taking the best that others can give and reflecting it back to them. What could happen?
We meet awkwardly.
I invite you to walk.
I find you dancing1.
This could be the millennium for dancing.
_________________________________
1 Maria Harris (1987), Teaching & Religious Imagination: An Essay in the Theology of Teaching (San Francisco: Harper & Row), p. 23
Getting a Life
08/03/10 12:20
One day, my daughter asked me to give her a ride to her friend’s house. On the way there, she said to me, “You know, Dad, when I grow up, I’m not going to be like you. I’m going to get a life.”
This took me by surprise. I thought I had a life.
“What makes you think I don’t have a life?” I asked her, anxiously.
“Well, look at you,” she said. “You’re always driving me places. You don’t have a life.”
We drove on in silence for a few minutes while I digested this new information. She had asked me for a ride, I had complied with her request, and this meant that I didn’t have a life. So in order to have a life, that meant I had to...?
“Get out of the car,” I said, as I pulled over.
“What?” she cried. “Why?”
“I’ve decided to have a life,” I said. And as she stepped out onto the curb, I drove away.
Now, only part of this story is true.
My daughter did ask me to drive her to her friend’s house, and on the way she told me that she, unlike me, was going to have a life. We drove on in silence as I digested this information, and I realized that I did have a life.
My life is work, play, marriage and children. It’s not all about me, and it’s not all not about me. I’m an adult. I make choices. I choose from a wide range of options. Consequences follow. When I choose work, I make money. When I choose sex, I have children. When I choose play, I have fun, and spend money, and then it’s time to go back to work. Sometimes the choices are more difficult.
Scott Peck said that life is difficult, and once you accept that, it is no longer difficult.
One of my minor difficulties is that my kids don’t drive yet. Right now, my life includes driving them places. I realize that this won’t last, and that one day - too soon - I will be free of this hassle. And then I will miss it - miss the drives, and the conversation and the company. There are two ways to induce teenagers to talk: in the car, and in the restaurant. So driving them works out usually, because we talk about interesting things in the car. Like the meaning of life.
Freud said that to have a life was to love and to work. I think I’ve got it covered.
So I drove on, smiling serenely to myself. Maybe one day she’ll have a life, too.
This took me by surprise. I thought I had a life.
“What makes you think I don’t have a life?” I asked her, anxiously.
“Well, look at you,” she said. “You’re always driving me places. You don’t have a life.”
We drove on in silence for a few minutes while I digested this new information. She had asked me for a ride, I had complied with her request, and this meant that I didn’t have a life. So in order to have a life, that meant I had to...?
“Get out of the car,” I said, as I pulled over.
“What?” she cried. “Why?”
“I’ve decided to have a life,” I said. And as she stepped out onto the curb, I drove away.
Now, only part of this story is true.
My daughter did ask me to drive her to her friend’s house, and on the way she told me that she, unlike me, was going to have a life. We drove on in silence as I digested this information, and I realized that I did have a life.
My life is work, play, marriage and children. It’s not all about me, and it’s not all not about me. I’m an adult. I make choices. I choose from a wide range of options. Consequences follow. When I choose work, I make money. When I choose sex, I have children. When I choose play, I have fun, and spend money, and then it’s time to go back to work. Sometimes the choices are more difficult.
Scott Peck said that life is difficult, and once you accept that, it is no longer difficult.
One of my minor difficulties is that my kids don’t drive yet. Right now, my life includes driving them places. I realize that this won’t last, and that one day - too soon - I will be free of this hassle. And then I will miss it - miss the drives, and the conversation and the company. There are two ways to induce teenagers to talk: in the car, and in the restaurant. So driving them works out usually, because we talk about interesting things in the car. Like the meaning of life.
Freud said that to have a life was to love and to work. I think I’ve got it covered.
So I drove on, smiling serenely to myself. Maybe one day she’ll have a life, too.
Spiritual Intelligence
26/02/10 10:14
As the story goes, a successful businessman from New York is vacationing with his family at a coastal resort in Mexico. While he is relaxing on the beach, he notices a local fisherman coming ashore with his meagre catch. He hails the fisherman.
“Did you catch much?”
“Enough for today,” the fisherman says.
“And what will you do now?” the businessman asks.
“I will take a nap for the afternoon,” the fisherman replies, smiling. “Then I will wake up, have dinner with Maria and my children, and maybe go dancing this evening.”
“You’re not very ambitious,” the businessman says. “You should work harder.
“First of all, you should get up earlier, and fish further into the evening,” the businessman continued. “And then you would catch many more fish, much more than ‘Enough for today.’”
“Why would I want to do that?” asked the fisherman.
“Well,” continued the businessman. “You could sell the extra fish, and with the money, buy a second boat, hire a crew, and then in the same day, catch twice as much! Eventually, you could own a whole fleet of fishing boats, set up your headquarters in New York, where I come from, and manage a global enterprise...
“Finally,” said the businessman, triumphantly, “In 30 years, you could retire. You would have saved enough to buy a place in a nice resort town - like this one. Then you could fish just for the day, take a nap in the afternoon, wake up, have dinner with Maria and your children, and maybe go dancing this evening.”
“I see,” said the fisherman, smiling. And he did.
____________________________________
Adapted from Danah Zohar and Ian Marshall (2000), Spiritual Intelligence: The Ultimate Intelligence, London: Bloomsbury
“Did you catch much?”
“Enough for today,” the fisherman says.
“And what will you do now?” the businessman asks.
“I will take a nap for the afternoon,” the fisherman replies, smiling. “Then I will wake up, have dinner with Maria and my children, and maybe go dancing this evening.”
“You’re not very ambitious,” the businessman says. “You should work harder.
“First of all, you should get up earlier, and fish further into the evening,” the businessman continued. “And then you would catch many more fish, much more than ‘Enough for today.’”
“Why would I want to do that?” asked the fisherman.
“Well,” continued the businessman. “You could sell the extra fish, and with the money, buy a second boat, hire a crew, and then in the same day, catch twice as much! Eventually, you could own a whole fleet of fishing boats, set up your headquarters in New York, where I come from, and manage a global enterprise...
“Finally,” said the businessman, triumphantly, “In 30 years, you could retire. You would have saved enough to buy a place in a nice resort town - like this one. Then you could fish just for the day, take a nap in the afternoon, wake up, have dinner with Maria and your children, and maybe go dancing this evening.”
“I see,” said the fisherman, smiling. And he did.
____________________________________
Adapted from Danah Zohar and Ian Marshall (2000), Spiritual Intelligence: The Ultimate Intelligence, London: Bloomsbury
Death and Taxes
18/02/10 10:51
A man in Austin, Texas, today flew his small plane into an IRS building, killing himself and possibly one person on the ground, damaging the building, sending people to hospital, and traumatizing hundreds of spectators by conjuring images of a repeat of 9/11. Air force jets were scrambled, and the president was notified. Everyone quickly calmed down when they realized it was “only” a suicide.
The one thing this man made clear before he died was his belief that the world had not treated him fairly. He was mad at the tax department, specifically, as well as “big business” and the government in general. At 53, he must have felt like a failure, having lost two previous businesses and at least one previous marriage. Believing that “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result”, he twisted this usually helpful aphorism into the conclusion that this would be “something different” to try with his life. Feeling that he had explored all the options, he concluded that “violence not only is the answer, it is the only answer”. At some level, he must have believed that he was “answering” the unfairness of the tax department by making people who worked for the tax department suffer. He was being unfair to them as he had felt that they had been unfair to him.
A good study on suicide is Kay Redfield Jamison’s Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide. A professor of psychiatry, Jamison also suffers from bipolar affective disorder, a mental illness associated with a higher risk of suicide. She knows whereof she speaks.
Suicide has been called “a permanent solution to a temporary problem”. When people contemplate suicide, they feel hopeless and helpless. Without resources and without a future, people on the verge of completing suicide reportedly feel a sense of calm, as if they have “solved” their problem with this very narrow and final solution.
People who contemplate suicide are usually depressed. Depression can be part of bipolar disorder as well as an illness unto itself, and is associated with defective thinking. Depressed people make three errors in their thinking: first, they think that they are worthless; second, they think that the world is unfairly punishing them; third, they don’t think that things will ever get better.
This man probably had all three of these faulty thoughts, writing most clearly about the second, that he felt that he had been treated unfairly. He certainly didn’t seem to believe that things were going to improve. And he counted his own life as worthless in his plan to right the wrongs that had been done to him.
It is not unusual for people to have suicidal thoughts. I have had suicidal thoughts, and I think that most people do from time to time. Depression in and of itself may even be part of a normal life, a time of lying fallow and resting, perhaps to recover from a trauma or a loss. Matthew Fox called it one of the four roads that we follow from time to time in the course of life. But it isn’t meant to be the main road that we take: not the main course. After a period of depression it is indeed helpful to “do something different” - but not to fly your plane into the government office of your choice. Distraction has been shown to help people recover from depression. Forcing yourself to do a normal routine also helps: “fake it til you make it” is a good mantra to follow. Because if you do manage to distract yourself from your thoughts, if you do “fake it” and go on about life “as if” it is worth living, it will become so again.
It is not unusual to have such thoughts. The time to worry, however, is when you find yourself (or someone you know) beginning to develop plans. Suicidal thoughts + plans = risk, especially if the plan is within the person’s ability to be carried out in the near future. This constitutes an emergency: it’s time to call 911 and get the person to hospital, where someone can distract them until they are able to distract themselves.
Before it becomes an emergency, however, if you find your life becoming a knotted problem from which there seems to be no escape, find a good therapist. Therapists are trained to “open space” and generate additional options - solutions to your problems that perhaps you never thought of.
Certainly for this man, there were options besides exacting an eye for an eye from the tax department, in a permanent and fatal solution. It was tragic that he couldn’t see these options.
A great online resource for preventing suicide is here.
The one thing this man made clear before he died was his belief that the world had not treated him fairly. He was mad at the tax department, specifically, as well as “big business” and the government in general. At 53, he must have felt like a failure, having lost two previous businesses and at least one previous marriage. Believing that “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result”, he twisted this usually helpful aphorism into the conclusion that this would be “something different” to try with his life. Feeling that he had explored all the options, he concluded that “violence not only is the answer, it is the only answer”. At some level, he must have believed that he was “answering” the unfairness of the tax department by making people who worked for the tax department suffer. He was being unfair to them as he had felt that they had been unfair to him.
A good study on suicide is Kay Redfield Jamison’s Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide. A professor of psychiatry, Jamison also suffers from bipolar affective disorder, a mental illness associated with a higher risk of suicide. She knows whereof she speaks.
Suicide has been called “a permanent solution to a temporary problem”. When people contemplate suicide, they feel hopeless and helpless. Without resources and without a future, people on the verge of completing suicide reportedly feel a sense of calm, as if they have “solved” their problem with this very narrow and final solution.
People who contemplate suicide are usually depressed. Depression can be part of bipolar disorder as well as an illness unto itself, and is associated with defective thinking. Depressed people make three errors in their thinking: first, they think that they are worthless; second, they think that the world is unfairly punishing them; third, they don’t think that things will ever get better.
This man probably had all three of these faulty thoughts, writing most clearly about the second, that he felt that he had been treated unfairly. He certainly didn’t seem to believe that things were going to improve. And he counted his own life as worthless in his plan to right the wrongs that had been done to him.
It is not unusual for people to have suicidal thoughts. I have had suicidal thoughts, and I think that most people do from time to time. Depression in and of itself may even be part of a normal life, a time of lying fallow and resting, perhaps to recover from a trauma or a loss. Matthew Fox called it one of the four roads that we follow from time to time in the course of life. But it isn’t meant to be the main road that we take: not the main course. After a period of depression it is indeed helpful to “do something different” - but not to fly your plane into the government office of your choice. Distraction has been shown to help people recover from depression. Forcing yourself to do a normal routine also helps: “fake it til you make it” is a good mantra to follow. Because if you do manage to distract yourself from your thoughts, if you do “fake it” and go on about life “as if” it is worth living, it will become so again.
It is not unusual to have such thoughts. The time to worry, however, is when you find yourself (or someone you know) beginning to develop plans. Suicidal thoughts + plans = risk, especially if the plan is within the person’s ability to be carried out in the near future. This constitutes an emergency: it’s time to call 911 and get the person to hospital, where someone can distract them until they are able to distract themselves.
Before it becomes an emergency, however, if you find your life becoming a knotted problem from which there seems to be no escape, find a good therapist. Therapists are trained to “open space” and generate additional options - solutions to your problems that perhaps you never thought of.
Certainly for this man, there were options besides exacting an eye for an eye from the tax department, in a permanent and fatal solution. It was tragic that he couldn’t see these options.
A great online resource for preventing suicide is here.
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